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Wednesday, March 2nd, 2011
4:15 pm - punching a hole in the night time, yes
how interesting, to look back on this blog when i have moved on and away from certain parts of my life. my head rolls and rocks with ideas all the time, i have new life plans day to day. i've been battling (fruitlessly) with this idea that my recent trip to australia was ill-timed, that i missed out on things at home, that now i am missing out on things back in melbourne, that the energies and the vibes were all off simply because i took my trip three weeks too early. i have no way of knowing if that's true, but how interesting to look back on november and see that what i did was right on track with what i thought i'd do back then. just as i found myself living in los angeles for ten months and thought never, never was this in my plan. only to realize that a year prior i had been looking at internships and betting on a move west. maybe i know what i'm doing after all.

i'm at home in raleigh, consciously trying to slow down and think things through. i find myself restless at my brothers new house, he is fixing the place up himself and it's amazing, the toil and work he is putting into the place. his new saying is "nothing comes for free", which of course is a saying that's been thrown around for decades, but he says it with such vigor and renewed certainty. when we pulled up an evergreen from the forest around his house and replanted it in his backyard, he showed me his hands covered in cuts and scrapes. "i've been giving my blood to this place!", he said. "nothing comes for free."

another friend recently reminded me about balance. "...having goals, being responsible, sometimes wandering the path less exhilarating is a part of life too." yuck! but, true. i have about a week and a half 'til i'm planning on heading to new york for a few days to sort out that part of my plan, and i am so excited to spend these next days doing nothing, nothing at all other than thinking slowly and looking at the sun coming through the trees and petting my dog. the restlessness i felt at my brothers most acutely the other night place came with such clarity - my mind was spinning and all i wanted to do was talk talk talk. he let me, while he sort of smiled and sipped the gin and tonic i'd made him, and then he put on a paul simon record and instructed me to just listen. how revved up i've been! it took me several minutes to stop the urge to talk and to just ease back and let myself be. how hard i think that is becoming for all of us, lately. but a very relevant point that he made, this house-building wisdom-finding brother of mine, is that the more we go go go, checking our phone for facebook updates, flipping channels, consuming so much news and information that we're flooded with it, the harder it will be for us to think or feel anything deep. we're in these fast little boats just skimming the surface, wild and with salt burning our eyes, and we're heading to a horizon that's got nothing on it. this concerns me so much.

i had another road trip planned for next week with two girlfriends of mine - to new orleans and all around the south - but one of them just backed out and now i think the whole thing is kaput. how good the open road is for these dilemmas, though. when you have a destination that is sort of somewhere in the next couple of days or weeks, really whenever the time is right, so much of you opens up to possibility and beauty. because there's no race, no rush, all the slow and lasting impressions of life just fall upon you. now i've got financial concerns, which never struck me too hard before, but suddenly i am fearing i'll become paralyzed with them. considered my broken laptop, the move to new york, the minimal cash i've got in my hands. considered a credit card but whoa nelly, i said no no no that is exactly what traps us all forever. the "need" for more when really, we don't need any of it at all. plenty of folks have arrived in new york penniless but with searing optimism, i'm not even penniless and my hope is good.

ramble ramble ramble. i'm glad i've written. no editing and no private posting, if someone sees this then that's good.

current mood: okay

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Friday, December 23rd, 2005
2:47 pm

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Tuesday, May 18th, 2004
6:42 pm - friends and friends only

current mood: curious

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